Calorie Collar

Do you crave that forbidden second helping of chips? 

Or do you wish that yummy portion of disallowed yet sumptuous and mouthwatering paneer tikka masala did not put you off your calorie chart?

Does the WHO's warning of Heart patients in India rising phenomenally by the year 2020 resound an impending doom?

Are you just super lazy or do you simply H-A-T-E working out unless you have been coaxed, cajoled or threatened?

Now you needn't worry anymore because here is your savior:

The Calorie Collar(C)TM

The only foolproof solution to your healthy eating nightmares. (Atkins, Weight Watchers, will bow in shame.)

What is it?
It is a cylindrical device shaped like a collar containing a microchip device and is wi-fi, GPS and bluetooth enabled. Made of a lightweight metal, corrosive resistant, insulated with nylon plastic which is available in 256 vibrant or camouflaging colors to match your outfit.
Contains an inbuilt body scanner monitoring device, a tiny hard disk and processor.


How to use it?
Men wear it underneath their shirt collar. Women can sport them on their wrists like a bracelet.

OK. How does it work?

• With an inbuilt body scanner it scans the wearer's body composition and instantly updates the vital statistics, blood pressure, body fat, bone weight and other crucial metabolic parameters to its database.
• These parameters will be used to determine what exactly should be the wearer's normal statistics. 
• And keeping these parameters in mind, the Calorie Collar (C) will then monitor what you put in your mouth.
• If you exceed the allowed calorie limit,  Calorie Collar (C) will calculate the excess calories will proceed to regulate them.
• If you are short of the optimum calorie limit, Calorie Collar (C) send signals and reminders to you make up

Eg: If your daily dietary allowance should be 2200 Kcal, and you've exceeded the limits, Calorie Collar has the ability to send signals to remind you to exercise the excess off.

What are these signals?

• First Signal - Mild and gentle audio reminders by Microsoft Mary to visit the treadmill.
• Second Signal - Provocative and stern reminder by Steve Austin's voice to work out immediately.
• Third and final signal - Non-verbal mild yet non-threatening periodic shocks surging through your body and which will guarantee to provoke you to workout or consume the remaining allowed calories.

Consecutively, it moderates and analyzes your progress level or regress level with and sends an weekly report to your physician.

Seems annoying, can't I just manually switch it off or break it?

• Your physician and the people at Calorie Collar (C) can only switch it off till you get to your healthy goal.
• If you try to break it will send off an alarm to your physician to take the next stringent action.
• If you are successful in breaking it you shall be slapped a very very very exorbitant fine. (Trust me, don't mess with Calorie Collar (C))
• Its even water proof, shock proof and GPS enabled. (So forget about drowning it, zapping it or throwing it over a cliff) 

Recommended for:
Those who are lazy and life-threateningly obese with no hope of self-control.


Calorie Collar (C) 2.0
Newer developments by our team at Calorie Collar (C) are striving to work towards an improved version of the device. Features to be included:
Facebook and Twitter updates if you violate the dietary allowance over 5 times in a month.
A Hall of Shame website for defaulters.

So think twice before sneakily popping that second (but actually fourth) helping of hot sugary gulab jamun.

This post has been published by me as a part of the IndiBlogger 'My Demand' Contest; sponsored by HP. To vote for my post and be part of the next edition, visit here.

MindReader Mane Maker

To all men out there,
How many of you are scared to death of losing/ graying of your luscious mane due to aging?
Do you have a problem getting up early in the morning looking into the mirror and cribbing at the sight of that unwanted stub?
Do you think would prefer to get a clean shave/ styling from the barber than by doing it yourself?
Do you wish to get a proper Van Dyke or those excellently crafted sideburns to woo your girl?



To all women out there,

How many times in a year do you have to visit your beautician to wax/ thread your skin and have wallowed in sheer pain?
Do you think that expenses and side effects of Laser hair removal scare you beyond your wits' end?
How many of you ladies think that abandoning creams, waxes and laser treatments would lower your self esteem because of hairgrowth like an Amazon Rainforest?


Fear not. Here is the brand new technology called:  

"MindReader Mane Maker"  (M3 for short)

MindReader Mane Maker??!! What is this thing?
Its a small genetically engineered capsule containing microbots with an antennae signal that "reads your mind" and makes hair follicle grow according to your wish.
Our researchers have modified microbots with signal transduction capability to edit and modify the hair cycle.

What are these Microbots?
Micro organisms which have been "programmed" to act as nanobots.


So how does it work?

• The capsule works on the principle of the consumer's will. 
• It sends a signal to the brain demanding the input for the cut/ style/ trim or epilation.
• The desired signal transmitted by the brain is relayed by the microbots to the hair follicles and will modify it to suit the desired outcome.
• And voila! you have that luscious crop the way you desired it!
  

Do those microbot thingies use batteries or need chargers?
No.


Sounds complex. How to use it? 
Consume it.

What do you mean by consumption? Like an enema?
*Facepalm*
NO. Its NOT a suppository. Swallow it silly!

Can I swallow it with my freshly squeezed orange juice?
Yes. Consume it with pulp, without pulp, concentrate..... You get my point?


How long does the effect last?
Lasts for a day. So have a new haircut and style everyday!


Cool. But who all can use it?
Anyone and Everyone who can swallow.



Coming soon:

MindReader Mane Maker 2.0

Will include:

• tanning protection
• colored hairgels
• tattoo
• piercings

This post has been published by me as a part of the IndiBlogger 'My Demand' Contest; sponsored by HP. To vote for my post and be part of the next edition, visit here.